I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
