Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So much rum. So many feels.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My vagina is officially offended.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
