He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My vagina is officially offended.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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