i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
