I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
