Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
