I molested 6 butterflies tonight
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
