Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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