ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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