He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
