If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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