I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sorry about my life...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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