haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
