Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
