I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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