I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
