I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
