you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
