I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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