I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
if only i could text you this smell
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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