Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
