last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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