I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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