It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
