Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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