I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
did i just pee glitter
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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