The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
