She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
