the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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