She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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