your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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