So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
