I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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