woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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