I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
