and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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