I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
