Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
