what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize