I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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