If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
