My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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