Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
