OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
