she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
