she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
