Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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