you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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