she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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