I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
